The Tantrum Decade

As I look back at my 20's which were in the first decade of the 21st Century, I recall that almost all my psychiatric hospitalizations occurred due to throwing tantrums when I didn't get my way, and I also realize the reason why a lot of people didn't or don't like me has been due to my unorthodox conduct and my bad violent behavior.

I believe the seeds of the "Tantrum Decade" were sown back in November of 1989, when my stepmother took my seven month old half brother on a flight to Fort Wayne,
Indiana and boy was I angry then, six months later in May of 1990, my stepmother did the same thing so she could attend her father's third wedding, and that was then
I decided to use manipulation and tantrums to get what I wanted either by hurting myself, or by using destructive behaviors to get attention.

That explains why I set fires in my bedroom on Mother's Day weekend of 1993, because my stepmother wouldn't let me have a Nintendo Game Boy, or I used my Karate training to beat up my stepmother when my father grounded me from watching Saturday Morning Cartoons for threatening one of my high school teachers, and as revenge towards my stepmother for not letting me attend a Halloween Party for giving a staff member at school the middle finger, and lying about it.

When I started to set fires in my room in March of 1996, that was when a neurologist decided that I needed to be hospitalized in the psychiatric ward at Miami Children's Hospital. That was where a psychologist wrote up a set of rules which took away my karate training and my the TV programs that I was watching that glorified violence and prejudice.

After this had happened, I joined the marching band at Cooper City High School where I got the opportunity to travel to London, England to march in a parade.
In the middle of the month of March in 1997, I was grounded by my father from going to Busch Gardens, with the ESE class for lying about my interim report, so I went berserk by disturbing the peace in the residential neighborhood, and the next day at school, I told a teacher that I cursed out the day before that my father wouldn't be letting me go to Busch Gardens for lying about my interim report, where she responded "He should, you blew it anyway." That was where I went berserk again ripping open my shirt in the hallway in front of all the students, and that was when my psychologist said to my father that I needed to be put in the psychiatric hospital to adjust my medication and that was where the Florida Medical Center comes in. While I was in there, my father reduced my punishment to completing all the schoolwork that I missed while I was in the hospital, and I was
able to go to Busch Gardens after all.

That was where I got the impression that if I wanted something and someone said "No" to me, I figured that I would check myself into the hospital in order to manipulate that person into giving me what I wanted. Now that I think about it, I believe it is an immature and childish way to get attention and today I would rather just take "no" for an answer and accept things the way they are.

Another way I would try to get attention was by stereotyping and making racist comments, slurs, and/or jokes to let people know that I was angry at, and/or jealous of somebody. I would even make statements about tragic events of that time such as in December of 1997, during my junior year in high school, this girl, told the truth about me being prejudiced, and since she was from England, I said this "Serves you Brit's right that you're princess was killed." Because of this statement she gives everybody in the band a Christmas Card but me. Today when I think of when that happened, I realize that was the one of consequences of my behavior, or when I was in a homeless shelter in New York City last November this big black guy who looked like he was out of jail said in a rude voice to get out of his way, that was where I lost it and made a cruel comment about the 9-11 attacks. He said "Get out, get out of New York." You know I could've either been jailed, or been beaten up on the spot for making that comment. That comes to show me that I need to watch what I say, and also shows why many people think I'm a jerk. This explains it.


I also now realize that everything I did to manipulate or try to get attention from other people, or to hurt them, has hurt me much more than it did them, Another thing I realize about myself is how I tend to get jealous and envious of others such as my half brother who ten years ago got straight A's all year during his fifth grade year up to when he started to going to the University of Tennessee, this is the reason why my father and stepmother moved to Knoxville, Tennessee so he could get a reduced tuition. Even though I knew this, I was envious of my half brother that I decided to slap my father and stepmother in the face by putting my social security checks in Solomon Rabanu's name which resulted in me winding up on the streets of New York City, and Philadelphia. If I had worked hard during the time I was in Elementary School, Middle School, and High School I would've had those straight A's. So there you have it, all the misery I went through was because of my own behavior. So yes I am responsible. It's true that your future is not written until you make it whatever you make it.

What I'm saying is that I take responsibility for my actions, behavior, my illness, and my emotions. That everything I did was childish , and now it's over. I'm thirty years old and today I'm a man. This is for all you folks who are going through the same thing as I went through.

Life is not fair, it's not because of the United States of America, you have the opportunity to better yourself here in the United States, it's because God has made it that way, he decides whose going to be rich, whose going to be poor, whose going to be sick, whose going to be healthy, whose going to be a slave, whose going to be free, whose going to be strong, and whose going to be weak.

Jesus said in John 14:6 "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life and no one comes to the father except through me."

Romans 3:23 says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

Finally Romans 5:8 "God loved us that yet while we're sinners Christ died for us."

So you see life is not fair because it was fair we'd all be in hell. To be fair is to give everybody what they deserve and what we deserve is not good so be thankful that
life is not fair.